I spent a lot of time looking for Sherlock Holmes jokes on the net and I was a bit disappointed.
I wanted more!
So here's what I decided: I'd write more Holmes jokes myself. ;-)
The result is this page.
So off we go! Take a peek at some unique, original and (I hope) hilarious Sherlock Holmes jokes and one-liners below...
One day, Sherlock Holmes and Watson are playing tennis when Watson spots a mobile phone right in the middle of the tennis court.
"Holmes, there's a suspicious object here!" he shouts.
"What can you deduce from this phone, Watson?" asks Sherlock Holmes with a mischievous smile.
Not to be put down this time, Watson remarks matter-of-factly, "This phone has many scratches. This shows that that the owner is pretty careless."
"The phone is not a smart phone. It has no features. This shows the owner is not tech savvy."
"The phone has the default wallpaper setup. This shows the owner is uncreative and probably a bit dumb."
"Ah, Watson!", Sherlock Holmes remarks, "This time your deductions are all correct! That last deduction really struck home. Now come on, quickly pick up your phone so that we can continue our tennis match."
Some burglars barge into 221B Baker street and they tie Watson and Holmes up.
"We will release you if you tell us a good joke. But mind you, the joke should be really good.", say the burglars.
Watson tells the burglars all the guy walks into a bar jokes, blonde jokes and heaven jokes he knows but the burglars don't laugh. Their guns are still pointed at Holmes and Watson.
Just when Watson thinks it's all over, Holmes calls the burglars to where he's sitting and whispers something into their ears. The burglars burst out laughing and start rolling on the floor.
After they release Holmes and Watson, Watson asks Sherlock Holmes, "What did you tell them? They couldn't stop laughing!"
Sherlock Holmes lights up his pipe and says, "I started my joke and said, 'So once Watson won the Nobel Prize...'"
They didn't listen to me after that - they just rolled on the floor laughing."
Sherlock Holmes, Harry Potter and Superman are going for their morning jog when a monster attacks them.
Superman immediately says, "Up, up and away!" and flies away.
Harry Potter points his wand at the monster and says, "Expecto Patronum!" A stag like cloud comes out from his wand and he runs away.
Now only Sherlock Holmes is left with the monster.
Sherlock Holmes takes a puff from his pipe, examines the monster and says,
"You don't get along with your brother. The tattoo on your toenail proves that.
You haven't bought new shoes in 5 years and 7 days. The wear and tear and the make of your shoes confirm that.
You've walked 10 miles to come here. The soil stuck to your right knee is found in Kensington which is 10 miles away...."
At this point the monster starts crying, points a finger at Holmes and says "Don't deduce the deuce out of me!"
Then he runs away.
After solving plenty of high-profile cases Sherlock Holmes is super-confident.
He says, "No one knows the criminal world of London as well as I. Hang a sign on our doorway Watson that says 'I'll give you 6000 pounds if I can't solve your case.'"
Within 5 minutes a man enters 221B Baker Street and says, "I've got a problem. My wife is chasing me with a ladle. She says I don't do enough housework. Save me!"
Sherlock Holmes reaches out for his tissue and says, "We overpitched it Watson. Give him the cheque."
Watson is frustrated with Holmes putting him down all the time.
He reads up all of Sherlock Holmes' cases again and practices deduction all day.
When he goes out, he finds a green bottle on the road. Just as he's about to pick up the bottle, he sees a green coloured genie with two horns walking towards him.
Before the genie can speak, an enraged Watson says:
"Hey genie, the texture of your green hair tells me that you've been in this bottle for around 5 years and 12 days."
The genie gapes at Watson in wonder. He's about to speak again when Watson says:
"The soil particles attached to your ear indicate that you used to live in Alperton."
The genie gulps and is about to stammer something when Watson again interrupts and says,
"The style of your shoes tells me that your grandfather was Persian."
This is too much for the genie.
He finally blurts out, "As usual Watson, you have noticed the trifles and missed all that is important. Can't you see I'm Sherlock freakin' Holmes in disguise?"
Watson and Holmes are returning from the lock-and-key shop where they've ordered an extra apartment key because Watson lost his.
As they arrive, Watson bounds up the steps to 221B Baker Street and barges into their apartment as Sherlock Holmes follows him.
"I'll show you my deductions today Holmes!", he says. "I can deduce too!"
Sherlock Holmes shows him the only key to the apartment and says, "What can you deduce from this key?"
Watson examines it.
"The key has a speck of dirt on it which indicates that you have dropped it once today."
"The key looks like it's made of an alloy of copper and iron."
"The key's edges show wear and tear which means it has been used often."
"There is a chocolate stain on the key which means you have eaten chocolate today."
"Amn't I awesome Holmes! What can you deduce?"
Sherlock Holmes shakes his head as he says:
"As usual, you have missed everything that is of importance.
I have not inserted the only key to this apartment and yet you were able to barge right into our apartment. Our flat has been broken into!"
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are taking a walk in the garden nearby after a case.
Watson suddenly turns towards Holmes and says, "You must stop making fun of me now, Holmes. I'm not that dumb now. That was long ago."
Sherlock Holmes looks at Watson a bit mockingly and says, "OK, then. Show me what you can deduce from the objects you see around us."
"Sure.", says Watson. "Here's a tennis ball I just found here. Let me deduce the daylights out of it!"
"This tennis ball is harder than ordinary tennis balls. That tells us that the owner is a strong man who hits the ball hard."
This tennis ball has a brown weight attached on one side. That tells me that the owner is an advanced tennis player who loves to play tennis with a twist."
The green colour of this tennis ball matches the colour of the grass at Wimbeldon. This tells us that the owner might be a world class tennis player."
"What do you think Holmes?" asks Watson with a smirk.
Sherlock Holmes yawns and says, "You've been a rock star this time, Watson. Now come on give me that guava because I'm hungry."
Sherlock Holmes always goes around shocking Watson with his disguises so Watson decides to get back at him.
He spends hours disguising himself as a circus clown. He gets professional help from all over England to ensure that he looks nowhere like the real Watson.
When he thinks he looks exactly like a real clown, Watson approaches Sherlock Holmes in a restaurant.
As he sees Sherlock Holmes admiring himself in a hand-held mirror, he says, "Nice mirror you've got there dude!"
Sherlock Holmes lights up his pipe, looks up and says, "Come off it Watson!"
Watson is dumbstruck.
"How did you recognize me Holmes?" he blurts out.
As Holmes takes his first puff, he replies, "Elementary, my dear Watson. This is not a mirror I'm holding, it's my iPad."
As Sherlock Holmes and Watson are sipping wine at a bar, they notice an attractive young woman sitting at a table in front of them - taking a peek at Holmes.
Holmes looks at Watson and says, "My blushes, Watson. I've become incredibly famous. Attractive young women crave for my attention, you know."
As Watson looks at her, the young woman averts her gaze. After a few seconds she again starts looking in Holmes' direction.
Sherlock Holmes looks at Watson and says, "Sometimes I feel there are no limits to my fame. The woman there is just smitten by me. I do rock you know, Watson."
As an envious Watson looks on, the attractive woman now starts smiling.
Sherlock Holmes thinks he's just conquered the world. "You know Watson, I'm too famous for words," he says. "Attractive women recognize me from a mile and then they can't take their eyes off me."
Holmes is oozing with delight now. He gets up to go and talk to that woman.
Just as Sherlock Holmes stands up, the woman waves her hand at him and says,
"Hello, hey there. You're right in front of the TV. Can you get aside, please?"
Sherlock Holmes, Inspector Lestrade and Watson are cycling away one fine day, when they spot a magic lamp on the road.
When Sherlock Holmes picks up and rubs the magic lamp, a genie pops out!
"Hey guys. I'm the genie who grants 3 wishes. I'll grant one wish to each of you blokes," says the genie.
Inspector Lestrade thinks for a while and says, "I want to be known as the greatest inspector Scotland Yard ever had."
"Granted!" says the genie with a smile.
"What about you Mr. Holmes?" he asks.
Sherlock Holmes takes out his pipe (for the effect) and says, "The work is its own reward for me. Just grant that I always have an exciting and challenging case to handle."
The genie smiles and says, "Granted!"
Now everyone's eyes are on Watson. They're curious about what he will ask for.
Watson thinks for a while and then says, "I want to make one original deduction after which I sound all cool and Sherlock Holmes is dumbstruck."
The genie appears a bit confounded.
After a few seconds, he smiles again and says, "Er...Granted! You will have the dream you desire tonight."
Why did Sherlock Holmes' last girlfriend break up with him?
Because when she asked him if she looked fat, he said:
"It is quite easy to deduce that you have gained 3.45 milimetres in your stomach which means you've become heavier by 345.6 grams in the last month ."
Why did Sherlock Holmes' first date with ________ (insert girl's name) not result in a second date?
Because when she asked him what his idea of a romantic date was, he said, "Analyzing a crime scene together!"
I recently asked Sherlock Holmes, Watson, Inspector Lestrade, Irene Adler and Mycroft Homes the question 'Why did the chicken cross the road?'
Here's what they said:
Watson: Because it wanted to prove that it was capable of doing something in life.
Moriarty: Because I had sent Sebastian Moran to go after it!
Inspector Lestrade: Because it wanted to run and take credit for the case!
Irene Adler: Because it was chasing another naughty chicken that had taken compromising photographs of it.
Sherlock Holmes: Because it was bored.
Mycroft Holmes (of the books): I have no idea. What confounds me is where it got the enormous energy required to cross the road.
Mycroft Holmes (from BBC Sherlock): Because it wanted to track down it's naughty brother chicken!
Mrs. Hudson: Because it was chasing another exceptionally intelligent chicken that had ransacked its house.
Mary Morstan (Watson's wife): I sent it to track Watson down after he didn't come home for a month. (Fled off with that Holmes dude).
How many Watsons would it take to change a light-bulb?
Only one. He'll ask Sherlock Holmes to come and change it.
How many Inspector Lestrades does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to call Sherlock Holmes to fix the light bulb and another one to take the credit and display everywhere that Lestrade's fixed it.
How many Sherlock Holmes fans does it take to change a light-bulb?
One Sherlock Holmes fan to deduce the age of the old light bulb.
The second to deduce how long the new light bulb will last.
The third to tell everyone how awesome Sherlock Holmes was at changing light bulbs.
The fourth Sherlock Holmes fan to phone an electrician to change the light bulb after all the deductions are over.
Well, I hope you enjoyed those Sherlock Holmes jokes :-)
Have a happy and fun-filled day!
PS: Don't forget to share any amazing, original Sherlock Holmes joke that you come up with below. We'll all enjoy it.
PPS: If you loved these jokes, you might enjoy these ridiculous Sherlockian limericks as well!
Share it here! We'll all share a laugh.